lately

As is the case for most people, 2020 has been on hell of a ride. This year has been absolutely bananas for me, for so many reasons. I realize I haven't written anything since the anniversary of Chelsea's death back in April, and it's honestly because life has been an absolute shit show. So I…

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grief is hard.

Sometimes I feel genuinely angry that I have experienced such profound loss at such a young age. It isn't fair, I tell myself. There is no God, I decide.  I don't believe that I am stuck in the anger stage of grief. I think anger is just where I have landed permanently. I often think…

time doesn’t heal

I had a bit of a rough day a few days ago. I briefly visited the TU campus, and it was the first time I've really been on the actual campus since the candlelight vigil the school had for T. I honestly didn't even think twice about it at first. But as we drove through…

a year ago

a year ago i never would have thought that i would be where i am today. a year ago i believed that i was happy, that i had a great life, i thought that i was in love. i assumed that because i had been in my relationship for nearly a decade that it was…

another day, another stay

so i finally moved out. on tuesday june 12th i moved out of my beautiful home that we built together. it broke my heart all over again. i'm temporarily staying with family until i can find a new place to live and until then i'll be hopping around between my immediate family members homes. after…

waves

so i study grief. literally my masters degree is counseling with a focus on bereavement (grief) i am excellent in a crisis. i am incredible at comforting others that are grieving. except when it's myself. in case you don't know, the five stages of grief, as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are denial anger bargaining depression…

Living with a broken heart

i dont even know if thats an appropriate title. I certainly dont feel like im living. My entire world has been ripped from beneath my feet and the person that loved me most in this world did the ripping. I get up and get dressed and go to work but im not myself. Im some…

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning. The slowest drowning ever. I'm alone. I'm terrified, and I'm heartbroken. This is unknown territory. I have been with the other half of my heart for literally my entire adult life. And just like that I'm alone. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes it physically hurts. I've never been here before.…

the humor in the dark and twisty

depression, anxiety, grief, bad days, sad days, dark thoughts, dark times-some of us have many more of these than others. maybe it has something to do with it, maybe it doesn't. i have a dark sense of humor. Coping mechanism maybe? Who knows. Laughing releases endorphins so it can't be that bad. 🤷🏻‍♀️ *obviously, these…

six years

this is gonna be a tough one. it's been a little while since i've written. i have been so busy with work and really just life in general. however, these last few days have been filled with nothing but dread. knowing it was almost here. the one day i hate most out of the whole…