grief is hard.

Sometimes I feel genuinely angry that I have experienced such profound loss at such a young age. It isn't fair, I tell myself. There is no God, I decide.  I don't believe that I am stuck in the anger stage of grief. I think anger is just where I have landed permanently. I often think…

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another day, another stay

so i finally moved out. on tuesday june 12th i moved out of my beautiful home that we built together. it broke my heart all over again. i'm temporarily staying with family until i can find a new place to live and until then i'll be hopping around between my immediate family members homes. after…

waves

so i study grief. literally my masters degree is counseling with a focus on bereavement (grief) i am excellent in a crisis. i am incredible at comforting others that are grieving. except when it's myself. in case you don't know, the five stages of grief, as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are denial anger bargaining depression…

Living with a broken heart

i dont even know if thats an appropriate title. I certainly dont feel like im living. My entire world has been ripped from beneath my feet and the person that loved me most in this world did the ripping. I get up and get dressed and go to work but im not myself. Im some…

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning. The slowest drowning ever. I'm alone. I'm terrified, and I'm heartbroken. This is unknown territory. I have been with the other half of my heart for literally my entire adult life. And just like that I'm alone. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes it physically hurts. I've never been here before.…

the humor in the dark and twisty

depression, anxiety, grief, bad days, sad days, dark thoughts, dark times-some of us have many more of these than others. maybe it has something to do with it, maybe it doesn't. i have a dark sense of humor. Coping mechanism maybe? Who knows. Laughing releases endorphins so it can't be that bad. 🤷🏻‍♀️ *obviously, these…

six years

this is gonna be a tough one. it's been a little while since i've written. i have been so busy with work and really just life in general. however, these last few days have been filled with nothing but dread. knowing it was almost here. the one day i hate most out of the whole…

a letter to my best friend in heaven.

hello love. this letter might be more for me than you. I want you to know that I miss you everyday, so much in fact, that my heart hurts. There are so many things I want to tell you, although some of those things were in the letter that I put in your casket to…

when i’m alone with my thoughts.

I have been working crazy hours. I fell asleep in my living room last night around 6pm when I got home. Which is great I guess, because I was really tired. The only problem is that I woke up at 2:30am wide awake and fully rested and I don't even have to start getting ready…

the dark cloud

my anxiety follows me everywhere uninvited. a dark cloud that rarely brightens. i always struggled with it a little, but when my best friend died, it just exploded. Its annoying because its mostly really irrational things that I have no control over, and I try to remind myself of that but thats a lot damn…