another surgery

So I had another back surgery the other day. It was the WORST one that I have ever had, and that's compared to two spinal fusions, three laminectomies, and two discectomies. I had a spinal cord stimulator implanted. Back in December I had the trial done, and it was so awful. In addition to being…

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anxiety vs. sleep

My anxiety is out of control. It is a constant battle in my mind of what I know rationally and what my anxiety is telling me. The last few nights have been rough. I get tired, and all I want to do is go to sleep. And then for absolutely no reason something bizarre happens.…

crash

So last night A and i were in a car accident. we were at an almost dead stop and a drunk driver who was ALSO on his phone plowed into the back of our car going between 45-55 mph. i've never been in a car accident before so it was definitely really scary. A and…

another day, another stay

so i finally moved out. on tuesday june 12th i moved out of my beautiful home that we built together. it broke my heart all over again. i'm temporarily staying with family until i can find a new place to live and until then i'll be hopping around between my immediate family members homes. after…

waves

so i study grief. literally my masters degree is counseling with a focus on bereavement (grief) i am excellent in a crisis. i am incredible at comforting others that are grieving. except when it's myself. in case you don't know, the five stages of grief, as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are denial anger bargaining depression…

Living with a broken heart

i dont even know if thats an appropriate title. I certainly dont feel like im living. My entire world has been ripped from beneath my feet and the person that loved me most in this world did the ripping. I get up and get dressed and go to work but im not myself. Im some…

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning. The slowest drowning ever. I'm alone. I'm terrified, and I'm heartbroken. This is unknown territory. I have been with the other half of my heart for literally my entire adult life. And just like that I'm alone. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes it physically hurts. I've never been here before.…

the humor in the dark and twisty

depression, anxiety, grief, bad days, sad days, dark thoughts, dark times-some of us have many more of these than others. maybe it has something to do with it, maybe it doesn't. i have a dark sense of humor. Coping mechanism maybe? Who knows. Laughing releases endorphins so it can't be that bad. 🤷🏻‍♀️ *obviously, these…

six years

this is gonna be a tough one. it's been a little while since i've written. i have been so busy with work and really just life in general. however, these last few days have been filled with nothing but dread. knowing it was almost here. the one day i hate most out of the whole…

invisible pain

i've considered writing about this several times but because I, personally, am not constantly and relentlessly affected by it as much as in the past, i had not. Yesterday I was talking with a very sweet girl i know that also suffers from constant chronic pain and we were discussing how it can absolutely disrupt…