Christmas · grief · Life After Loss · Sadness

Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas

I have to be up in a little over three hours.

Christmas morning starts between 6 and 7 for a 3 year old.

Tonight I wrapped gifts and I had dinner with my family. I facetimed someone that makes me ridiculously happy.

But I also fought with someone I used to think I cared a lot about. I cried a lot of tears, for Dusty, for Liam, for Chelsea.

I’m trying to do all of the things I’m supposed to be doing to participate in Christmas, but I’m just not feeling it all.

I’m just really, really, sad.

My heart hurts for so many people that will wake up in a few hours on Christmas morning missing people that should be there. Chels should be there with her babies. Liam should be there with his mom. Tim should be here annoying me at 7am on Christmas morning with his ridiculously sunny disposition. None of it is fair.

Liam has really been weighing heavily on my heart the last few days. I mean, I always miss him, but the last few days it’s been much heavier than usual. I’m not exactly sure why.

I’m told I should focus on the good, and I get that, I try, I really do. I have some incredibly wonderful things in my life right now, and I’m super thankful for them.

But I still feel sad. I wonder sometimes if this is just what getting old is….losing more and more people that you love and just moving forward without them. I mean, I am familiar with death. Comfortable even. But I’m just so tired of the losses being so close and personal.

I used to love christmas time. Before Steve, before Chels, I loved it. I loved decorating, I loved going christmas shopping with Chels, I loved driving all over the state to see my family and my in-laws. But now it just really bums me out. No matter how hard I try to get into it, I just can’t.

I guess there’s always next year. I’ll end this post with some Christmas pictures of my three favorite angels. Please keep their families in your thoughts through the upcoming holidays.


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