anger and grief · death · Death and Dying · grief · healing · heartbreak · Life After Loss

for liam

we were so little when we met. i had no idea at the time that you would have such an impact on my life, or that you would become such an important person to me later in life. i wish i had known time was limited. i wish i had known then that every breath is sacred.

there were periods in our lives where we barely spoke at all. there were times when our friendship barely existed. but i guess that’s how life works. we have to learn and grow and sometimes that means that we grow out of friendships. but sometimes, we learn that there are certain people we want to have in our lives, it just took a while to realize it.

i struggled badly with the loss of both of my best friends, Tim and Chelsea, in 2012 and 2019, respectively. i questioned everything. i questioned god. i was angry. i felt alone. sure, i had people in my life I could still talk to, but not like I could talk to them, and it hurt badly.

liam lived in florida at this point. when chelsea was sick, he called me one night. we talked for over an hour. and it was like no time had passed. like we just picked up right where we left off. and then we talked the next night, and the night after that. almost every night, around 9 or 10pm, one of us would call the other. liam was the kind of person that was kind and sweet and caring, but didn’t care if people knew about it. he didn’t ever need the credit, he was just kind, for no reason. at one point he sent chelsea a beautiful flower arrangement and card, even though they hadn’t spoken since high school. as i’ve written about previously, i was completely devastated and broken when chelsea died, and I felt so, so alone. but then there was liam.

chelsea was my “person”. after she died, i was talking to liam one night, and he told me not to worry, because he would be my “person” while she couldn’t be. and he was. we spent hours on the phone in the evenings, talking about literally everything and anything. we talked about our relationships, our families, our jobs, our goals, our dreams, and we also talked about the harder things; anxiety, depression, addiction, etc.

so easily, you became my person, liam. i talked to you about everything. i listened to you talk about so many things. you were a sort of light for me in such a dark time in my life. you had the ability to make me feel a little better no matter what was going on. i think i was that for you too. i was so incredibly proud of you, this last year or two. you were doing so well. you had so many plans and goals. i was always rooting for you. i wanted the best for you, because you honestly deserved it. i know i told you how important you and our friendship were to me, and i’m grateful that i had the chance to tell you that while you were still here. but it still feels so unfinished. maybe that’s because your future was stolen from you, and it’s so incredibly unfair. you deserved more.

two nights before you died, you called me because I was in the hospital. you called to make sure i was okay. i remember there were nurses coming in and out of the room and i probably shouldn’t have been on the phone, but i talked to you for a few minutes anyway. you sounded like your normal self. you asked about Dusty, and i assured you he was home and he was fine. and then i had to hang up. thinking i would call you back tomorrow or the next day. but that never came. texts and calls to you went unanswered. and then a few days later i got a phone call that you were gone. and once again, i felt devastated and broken. how was it possible that you were gone? it made no sense.

liam, i could never thank you enough for being the person i needed so badly during such a difficult time. i wish we had more time, i wish you had more time. you would have done such wonderful and amazing things, if you had the chance, and that will never be lost on me. i am so grateful for the friendship we had, but i am so sad it was cut short for seemingly no reason. the world is not the same without you in it, that is for certain. but i will always talk about you. i will always say your name. i will always make sure you are remembered. and know that i am not alone in that. you have a whole tribe of people that love you that will always make sure you are remembered.

some nights around 9 or 10pm, i get really sad and i don’t even realize why at first. sometimes i still send you messages. i think of you often. i miss you all the time. love you buddy. i hope where ever you are, it is peaceful and wonderful and you can still feel all of us loving you, because even though you aren’t here, the love we all have for you always will be. if love were enough, you’d still be here today.


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