anger and grief · anxiety · attempted suicide · broken · coping · depression · fighting depression · healing · heartbreak · Life After Loss · living with anxiety · losing hope · mental health · mental health facility · moving forward · moving on · not giving up · Pain · starting over · suicide · suicide awareness · TAC · Tim

another day, another stay

so i finally moved out. on tuesday june 12th i moved out of my beautiful home that we built together. it broke my heart all over again. i’m temporarily staying with family until i can find a new place to live and until then i’ll be hopping around between my immediate family members homes. after i moved on the 12th i had a really hard time, and i could tell i was heading down the rabbit hole. i knew that if i didn’t seek help that it would only get worse, so i sought the help i needed. my intention was to go back to the place i was at a little over a month ago, just because it was familiar and i knew what to expect, but unfortunately at the time they didn’t have any beds so i was sent to another hospital. i was in the intensive inpatient program for 7 days and now i’m doing 14 days of intensive outpatient at the same program so i’m temporarily staying in a different city. i think its been really good for me to be away from where i live where there are so many triggers and memories. i think i have finally gotten to a point where i don’t love him or miss him anymore, but i am angry. a few days into my outpatient program, he stalked me down to where i’m staying and had my car towed away at 2 in the morning, because obviously he feels like he has to take absolutely everything from me. i am grateful that i am in a safe place to deal with the anger regarding that and the many other vindictive things he’s done, but i’m still pissed. i keep telling myself one word: karma. he’ll eventually get what he’s given out but so far it seems like he’s just been able to hurt me over and over again without me being able to do anything about it. i do fully intend on continuing legal action against him once i’m back at home and hopefully he’ll finally have to give me my fair share of our assets. as of this minute i have 7 days left here. there is one thing thats made it hard to be in the city i’m in, as this is the city where my best friend died, and this is the hospital he was brought to, so when i ride by places that remind me of him, like for instance just a little while ago i rode by a bar he used to work at while he was going to school. i still have his shirt that he wore to work there safely tucked away. i wonder if things would be different if he was still here. if i would have reached this level of depression and anxiety, if i had him here with me. god i miss him. on a better note, i’ve been hanging out with a really great guy while i’m here in this city so that’s been nice. he is super sweet. i will update again soon with everything. but seriously, if you’re feeling down or thinking life isn’t worth it anymore, there is absolutely no shame in seeking help. seeking help these two times have been the best choices i could have made for myself, and if i hadn’t i might not be here writing.


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