anger and grief · anxiety · coping · Death and Dying · depression · grief · Life After Loss · living with anxiety · mental health · Uncategorized

when i’m alone with my thoughts.

I have been working crazy hours. I fell asleep in my living room last night around 6pm when I got home. Which is great I guess, because I was really tired. The only problem is that I woke up at 2:30am wide awake and fully rested and I don’t even have to start getting ready for work until around 4:45am. So here I am, killing time for two hours and 15 minutes. It doesn’t typically bother me, I actually enjoy the peace and quiet. But every now and then, as I sit here alone with my thoughts, my mind starts going. Depending on what’s going on in life, I might start obsessing over work or school or bills or even something totally random. Then times like this, the only thing I think about is how desperately I miss my best friend. When I do get to this place, I like to read a poem. Ironically when he was alive it was one of his favorites; he LOVED E.E. Cummings.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I miss him so dearly, and when I start focusing on his death it makes me anxious. I try to channel that sadness and anxiety into positive things but it certainly is never easy. There is never any “getting over it”. But this seems to have been the best way to continue living a great life in his memory.

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