the dark cloud

my anxiety follows me everywhere uninvited. a dark cloud that rarely brightens. i always struggled with it a little, but when my best friend died, it just exploded. Its annoying because its mostly really irrational things that I have no control over, and I try to remind myself of that but thats a lot damn harder than it sounds. At first it was mostly centered around “what if something bad happens to someone else I love? How would i even survive that?” If my fiance was a few minutes late getting home, my mind immediately went to the dark place-“hes been in a horrible accident” when really he stopped for gas or there was a bit of traffic. Over the last five years or so its manifested into much more than that. Its sort of hard to even describe, because much of the time I struggle to understand it myself. It has become a constant weight sitting on my chest. My heart rate averages 115 bpm literally all the time. Sometimes I dont even have anything to be anxious about and yet i still feel like i cant move, cant do anything. Medication works a little, but never enough. Most of the time its more high functioning. I still do what i need to do each and every day, but every five minutes it creeps in. “What if I leave my house and it burns down with my cats inside?” “What if I’m at Target and an active shooter enters the building” and they just get more and more ridiculous. I know a key part of learning to meditate is being present in the moment and accepting any thoughts you might be having-at least thats what my therapist says. And i do try. I try hard. But its always there. I guess if I’m looking for a small silver lining it’s that Im usually hyper vigilant. When I’m in a public place I take a mental note of all of the exits, I notice people that look sketchy. When I leave my house I double check and triple check that everything is unplugged or turned off, no candles left lit. But is that a small silver lining or is it an obnoxious burden? Who wants to live like that? And so I’m working on it, but that dark cloud just won’t leave me the hell alone.

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